Or, Shall We Say, We Grow More Refined with Time
Okay, I know what all of you younger women and moms are thinking… How offensive! And guys? You are probably thinking we are delusional. But this topic came about in the most innocent of ways. It was the observation of a younger man. And ladies, you should be happy – it means good things for you in your future.
The Scoop on Older Women – From Younger Men
Here’s how this topic came up. A friend of mine began dating after a recent divorce and was rediscovering the world of dating. She is in her mid 40s and there was a man younger than her (by 10 years) interested in meeting her. She questioned him via email. After all, why would a younger man want to date an older women? Was he interested in dating a cougar (that term does not sit well with me) for one reason and one reason only?
(Pause for a second. Why this discussion? After all, this is a blog about friendship and being a woman and intimacy in long term relationships. It’s because I found this younger man’s observance about older women so insightful. What did he say?)
He explained that in his experience, women, once they reach their late 30s, are more confident and self-assured. They can have normal conversations about many different things like sex and don’t get all shy and clammy about the topic. Middle aged women are, as he would say, more mature, less giggly, and less, ahem, reserved. We know what we want, and we are willing to go get it. It’s a certain confidence that comes with age.
I’ve been asking around to see if this is true. For many of us, being self-assured materialized when we were between 36 and 39. We stopped caring so much what other people thought. We could have conversations about things and not be so reserved. We chose things more carefully – who to spend time with and who not to. And we seemed more comfortable in our own skin.
The bottom line on this is that it’s nice when people look at things differently, especially getting older and reaching middle age, and when you can be acknowledged for being attractive in atypical ways, not those defined by 19 year old models.
Thoughts? Do you agree?
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Depends on the woman!
I think a bit of maturity and life experience do add a lot to any persons personality and wisdom. I’ve been with my wife for about 15 years and she’s never been so sexy, fun and vibrant as she is right now. Fine wines and all that!
I was in a relationship with a “more mature” lady (ie 12 years my senior) for a long time, so I think I can talk with some knowledge of this.
More mature? Certainly I’d say, yes. Definitely more than the 19-22 year olds I knew. Less giggly, without a doubt.
Less reserved – not by a long shot. Admittedly, I’m working with a sample size of one, but this one I would say was more reserved than other younger women I knew.
And, I’ll add another: more set in their ways. Again, sample size of one here, but the one I was with found it difficult to move out of her established routine into a relationship.
There were, of course, other issues as well – but those are tales for another time…
Im prone to giving everything the side eye at first blush. Most of me thinks (younger) men are sincere when they say these things, yet another part of me thinks they are just looking for a mommy. Sugar mommy and otherwise.
Im married, but if I should ever find myself in the dating world, I do not think I would date a younger man. I already have a son.
I believe this blog paints women with a very broad brush. Of course, all women are different. I’ve known women who are more mature at 25 than women who are 45. It is across the full spectrum. But as @danovsteel said on Twitter, the same woman at 45 is more experienced than she was at 35. So mathematically, it seems the chances of finding a woman with the merits pointed out in the blog increase with her age.
While your friend’s opinion does resonate a bit for me, I think our societal obsession with “cougars” is ridiculous and insulting (and apparently I am one, my husband is ten years younger). It’s just impossible to generalize about people, couples, love, whatever. And the stereotypical/Hollywood lecherous, oversexualized, unattractive cougar… well. Blah. So annoying that I find it difficult to address without simply firing off a string of profanity.
Marian,
Yes, I agree with what you are saying. Just pointing out something that was, unfortunately, refreshing to hear after all I read and hear about. The unfortunate part is that getting older is not something that is held in full esteem, so we may as well point out what’s good about it when we get the chance.
Holly B,
Interesting concept. That is one perspective and I can understand your reservations about the whole subject.
i call my husband my “old man” and i feel/am youthful, so it works. i’m 44 with little kids, and my husband sure isn’t my third kid (as i’ve heard many people say, too), he’s the homeschooling SAHD so he is driving our family’s train. i feel like i’m in my mid-30′s anyway and am convinced that to some extent, age is a construct.
I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.
I’m in the individuals over generalizations camp, I’m afraid. There are just far, far too many variables…both in the women, and in those interested in them, to base any kind of healthy choices on presumptions. I’d take from this something to think about, sure, but not really anything learned. A reminder of ideas that were already around…for many, no doubt, a comforting reminder, though.
For my own case, I’m 31. Granted, I’ve been out of the dating game — and with my current husband — since I was 19. I was always considered mature for whatever age I was, but confident and secure? I can tell you what age that happened, and it had no direct relation to my age, or where I was in my search for romance. I was 28, and the thing that made all the difference…the thing that let other things make the difference they should…was breaking the last ties with my abusive parents.
No one should take for granted that someone will or won’t make a good partner for them, just because of their age or what they look like, etc. Likewise, no one should take themselves for granted in relation to things like that, either. A lot of things happen in life, besides living for longer spans of it.
Your article was a fun read. I’m well past 55… dated one man 12 yrs my junior when I was 44. Before that a 22 yo invited me to lunch to discuss a proposal for decorating his apt in a nearby city (we agreed to meet half-way). During lunch he made his own proposal: He always wanted to have an affair with an older woman (I was 41 at the time). I declined graciously. A little later he excused himself to go to the restroom and left leaving me with the check. A lesson learned. (For the record, I married older men when I was younger – twice.)
Kidsgranny,
Thanks for stopping by. Very interesting stories you shared… and lessons learned.
Sarah
I am almost 33 and I’m already there! I’ve been doing this whole thing on my blog with trying to encourage women to feel sexy and confident in their own skin…not the body they had at 19. Ever since I stopped focusing on being skinny, and started focusing on being healthy, my confidence has gone through the roof!!
Dear Mommyologist,
So happy you stopped by. You’ve learned a valuable lesson about all of this. For me and some of the others, it happened in the 36-39 yo range.
Sarah