The Quest for Understanding the Whole-Hearted
I love the title of today’s post. You’ll see why!
Yesterday, I asked everyone to watch a video of Dr. Brene Brown discussing connection, vulnerability, and being whole-hearted. Meaty topic, right?
If you haven’t had a chance to watch it, below is a summary of what Dr. Brown discussed. Out of context, it is difficult to capture the whole meaning, but we’ll give it a try.
Connection and Being Whole-Hearted
Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s how we are wired. Shame is the fear of disconnection. (Makes sense, right? We don’t tell people things about ourselves because we are afraid we’ll be rejected.)
The only difference between those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and those who don’t is this: those who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are WORTHY of love and belonging. (Read that again. That is an incredible piece of information. It again points to how important our internal beliefs are.)
She studies those she considers whole-hearted people. These people have four similarities:
1. They have courage. They have the courage to tell their whole story, not just a public one. In other words, they have the courage to be imperfect.
2. They have the compassion to be kind to themselves and with others. Note that being kind to yourself comes first, and this translates to being forgiving of yourself.
3. They are able to have connections as a result of authenticity. The have let go of who they thought they should be to be who they are.
4. They fully embrace vulnerability. They accepted that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. (Interesting, don’t you think?) They find vulnerability neither comfortable or excruciating. It is simply necessary. It is willingness to say I love you first or to act without guarantees. To invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.
“I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness but it appears to also be the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love…” Dr. Brene Brown
How We Handle Vulnerability
According to Dr. Brown, we numb it. We numb our shame and grief and vulnerability. But because we cannot selectively numb emotions, we also numb joy, gratitude, and happiness along with shame. This numbing of our fears translates into looking for purpose and meaning, and coming out empty. And how do we fill this emptiness? With addictions to food, drugs, and alcohol, among other things. We make uncertain things certain. She talks about how there is a lack of political and religious discourse in this country; instead, politics is now a blame game and it is about me being right and you being wrong.
And the biggest problem with numbing vulnerability? We try to perfect ourselves and our children. She suggests that instead of worrying about our kids making the Olympics or attending Harvard, that we teach them that they, like the rest of us, are not perfect, that they will struggle as we all do, and most important, that they are worthy of love and belonging.
What Vulnerability Has to do With Anonymous8
It is about taking chances, as we did with our first post (it took me 6 months to work up the courage to start Anonymous8). It is about asking your other for intimacy, knowing you may be rejected. It is about figuring out why there is constant rejection, about living life to its fullest, both good and bad, about being imperfect and forgiving yourself and others, and about finding comfort in that imperfection.
And what do the whole-hearted say? Instead of saying, “I am not thin enough, or I am not tall enough, or I am not pretty enough, or I am not interesting enough, or I am not rich enough,” they say, “I am enough.” Or, as we at Anonymous8 say, I am Perfectly Imperfect. Now, that feels right.
Finally, I want to express my gratitude to Dr. Brown for making me feel like Anonymous8, in discussing oftentimes what makes us vulnerable (or what we are embarrassed to discuss in public), is heading in the right direction.
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Thank YOU Sarah! In the short time that I have been following Anonymous8 God has been working some mighty big changes in my life. Today’s post is just one more area I need to tackle. Thank you for modeling vulnerability so that those of who aren’t as far down the path have an example to follow.
I just discovered your website and have really enjoyed reading here.
This post touches what I think is one of the most overlooked topics in marriage today: shame. Shame is such an intimacy killer! I’ve blogged about it several times myself, and I’m glad to see you cover it so adeptly.
The idea I promote is one of being “Naked without shame,” which comes from the book of Genesis in the Bible where the idea of “two becoming one” is first introduced. Whether you are religious or not, the truth is still the same. Intimacy is really all about bringing the fullness of your genuine self into your marriage, being transparently and vulnerably “naked” with your spouse, and finding total love and acceptance (from your self and from your spouse). Intimacy: being completely known and yet loved absolutley.
Great post!
Scott
Jackie,
Glad you stopped by. Yes, this was a HUGE eye-opener for me. I hope your changes are for the good and that this discovery of Brene Brown has helped further.
Sarah
Scott,
Thanks for stopping by today. “Naked without shame” is a GREAT thing, especially after having gone through several pregnancies. Your definition of intimacy is right on as well. I’m going to check out your blog!
Sarah
I finally got a chance to listen to the video in the previous post. Fabulous! Soooo much there to unpack. I think I MUST post it some day soon too and add a few of the many spiritual implications (my blog does have a pointedly Christian focu).
Oh and I managed to mess up the link to my blog in my first comment by forgetting the “blogspot” part in http://surrenderedmarriage.blogspot.com
Please Stop by, and leave a comment if you do!
Scott,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you liked the video and adding your own bent to the conversation is GREAT.
Sarah
Thanks so much for this – you have dealt with a very importnat subject very well.
Oooh, you’re such an inspiration. I love this blog!
Hi, thanks for a really thoughtfully written summary of such an interesting talk. It can be very easy to make mental lists of all the things that *should* be different (‘better’), even though no real person actually said so and thinking more about the thought processes behind that is helpful.
I actually watched it awhile back, after seeing a link elsewhere, and *meant* to think about it more, so coming across your post whilst I was having a ‘blog catch-up’ was perfect timing. Thanks again.
This is stunningly beautiful and powerfully true. Tracking 100% and grateful you’ve taken the time to think this through so well and then offer it to us so eloquently.
Perfect. Provocative. Poignant.
Thank you.
Ronna,
Thanks for the great comment. Love your site, by the way.
Sarah