A Progressive Post
Introducing a progressive post with our friends TheHeirtoBlair (a wonderful blog from a talented writer about her own experiences and mothering a baby) and BloggingDangerously (a mature and hilarious blog). What is a progressive post? It is when we each address the same topic, but from different vantage point. We talk about mothering at the different stages of children and how mothering changes. Lucky me – I get the teen years. I am the old one in this progressive post. Blair goes first with the baby, Kit goes next with young children (ages 3-9), and I get the final installment. I am grateful to be in the company of these talented younger women. So, check out the other posts and let us know what you think of this progressive post.
In-di-vi-du-a-tion
Did you read that? Because that’s what my job has become. In every single painful and wonderful syllable. My job is to help my children find themselves. To in-di-vi-du-ate. Those are six of the most difficult syllables on earth, let me tell you.
There is a saying that your kids need you more as they get older, not less. Guess what? They’re right and wrong. They need you “different.”
Children need you more as they grow awkwardly into teens. They need to see you as they walk through the house on the way to shutting themselves in their room. They don’t talk as often, especially to adults, but when they want to talk, you’ve got to be there. They need every part of you, so that when they come home from school or hanging out with friends, they know you are there to help them work through whatever teen or school crisis they are navigating.
I’ve found that it is my role that has changed and it grows more exhilirating and terrifying with each year of school that passes. It’s exhilirating because you see them forming into young adults and terrifying because you are navigating the fine line between reigning them in and keeping them safe and letting them test themselves in the world in greater and greater steps.
Motherhood morphs from more of a physical role (feeding, changing diapers, schlepping) to a psychologcal one. It goes from having that boy run up to you to hug you tightly around the neck in 3rd grade to looking you in the eye and then down at you as you are trying to instill yet another lesson into his soul before he departs the house. When he begins to roll his eyes at you, you have to somehow realize that that is perfectly normal in his development (read in-di-vi-du-a-tion) and that his brain, is, after all, not fully formed. (You must keep reminding yourself of that – the brain part, I mean.) And you have to accept with sadness the loss that his growth and lack of adoration brings and pray you survive until he turns 22,when supposedly he will find you smart again.
Oh, have I mentioned that my IQ has fallen precipitously? I don’t “get anything” anymore. And the best part is that I’m mature enough to know that that statement is much more about them than about me.
The highs are higher, the lows are lower, and the greys from worry are multiplying.
The goal becomes staying sane and using your wits to both guide and stay one step ahead of them (which, in this electronic world, becomes more difficult). You need your mind, your intuition, your sense of humor, your cooking skills (teen boys consume HUGE amounts of food – and food can change moods VERY quickly – that pointer is worth the whole post, by the way), your experience, your patience (that part doesn’t ever change), your ability to communicate and persuade, and your strength to discipline when necessary. (The great thing about electronics is they help with discipline – losing a cell phone or texting can bring about great changes in behavior.)
I always say that I have learned more from my children than I have from anyone else.
I wouldn’t change this role for anything. Especially parenting teens. There is nothing more challenging. And rewarding. And exhausting.
Other Posts You May Enjoy
Female View- Historically Speaking – a must read for you and your daughters
Anonymous8: The Innocent Beginning
Woman Charms – a previous guest post by Kit of BloggingDangerously
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I’ve always thought that I would look forward to Mungee growing out of the baby stage, but now I’m not so sure. I enjoyed this glimpse into what life will be like in 12 years or so!
Mungee’s Ma,
I hope I did not give the impression that mothering teens isn’t wonderful, because it is in its own peculiar way. It’s just different.
Sarah
When I found out I was pregnant, my husband and I immediately started writing stuff down that we wanted to do as parents. We wanted to write them down so that when we got older we wouldn’t forget the things we didn’t like. I’ve even blogged about them so that they’re set in stone…our kids can use them against us later! : )
One thing for teenagers that I find essential is to never let them think that their problems are “stupid.” I remember like it was yesterday when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was devastated. My parents thought it was cute, but to me, it was a big deal. I wish they would have acknowledged it more and let me know that it was a big deal…the first boyfriend is a huge stepping stone in life.
Cristina,
I think that your advice is spot on. Sometimes we forget to give credence to the importance of our kids’ problems when compared with our greater world. You are right. I will make sure to remember that. Thanks for commenting.
Sarah
I think, as a teenager, that the most important thing my mom did/does (as much as I FREAKIN HATE IT) is making me open up. Sometimes … ok most of the time. … it really pissed me off but I can tell you that the times I don’t want to talk the most is the time when I need to most. I usually end up bawling/screaming as a drama queen, hormonal teenage girl but its always good for me. She also is ALWAYS waiting up for me. I know that I can’t come home trashed or with my clothes on inside out & that stops me from taking the wrong path a lot of times. ok ok, I just have a fabulous mom but these are just some of the things that make her that way.
Ali,
Thanks for the comment. It is wonderful. It shows your anger, and your understanding, and your ultimate realization that your mom cares and wants to and knows when to help – whether or not you are ready or willing to accept it.
Sarah
I’m with Cristina. Among the worst things my mother ever did was demean a relationship that was meaningful to me. Another thing is not to judge your children when they become sexual beings I think. One hurtful word can do a lot of damage to what will become an adult relationship your child in time.
And finally, the last lesson my parents needed was to let go a little more and let me test my boundaries, believing that their wonderful parenting instilled me with sense and good morals.
My parents are human, and I see why they did what they did now, and I love them still. And I love them for it. I just would do some little things differently.
I have a good glimpse of what happens to kids as they hit the teen years because I teach 5th grade. But as a 1st time mom with a 2 month old son it absolutely breaks my heart when I read your line about them not running into your arms anymore. Not that my 2 month old runs. But he does grin and drool all over me with love and I’m sure I’ll miss that too.
Katie,
Thanks for the comment. Somehow it turns out okay. There are other joys that take the place of that, but yes, that is certainly a loss.
Sarah
visiting from “heir to blair”… and just wanted to say i enjoyed your post. it actually brought a tear to my eye… because i’m closer to having been a teen (at least it feels) myself, than to having a teen child (my boy is 10 months old right now)… and you hit the nail on the head about everything… about how kids need their parents to “be there”… no matter what.
Great advice for parents of teens and teens-to-be. My sons are 15 and 17 and though this shift in what they need and what we are used to giving feels seismatic, it’s natural and necessary for their emotional growth. They are gaining a sense of self and you a sense of your new role as they start their lives independent of you. That said, the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed till 25, and some of the decisions they make, for even the smartest of the smart, could use a helping hand. I always ask them to take a moment and think about a situation – play it out – what will happen next? And then? And then? Etc. They will generally come to conclusions they had not considered. This is where that lobe fails them , and as a parent you can lend yours. As for talking, I find they do the most if I stay up late during their bewitching snacking hours. If I can just learn to get past the smell of salsa at midnight it will be smooth sailing.
It’ so true that we learn a lot from our children. My daughter is seven years old and it’s a continual learning experience. I’m enjoying the time that I get to share with her. Time seems to be flying by for myself, and at times not passing by quickly enough for her.
I definitely agree with you on being able to communicate effectively with your children. It’s something I try to do with my daughter, having the strength to discipline your child can be challenging but it’s necessary part of parenting too.