What NOT to Say to a Woman
On our girls’ trip, we had an “interesting” discussion about what we want our husbands to say when we get dressed up. By interesting, I mean that the discussion did not go as I would have predicted.
Here’s the scary part, at least for you gentlemen out there.
When you’re wife asks you how she looks, although it is not intended as a trick question, you’d better treat it as one.
The Discussion
A1 (Anonymous1): When I get dressed up to go out and I ask my husband how I look and he responds “Fine,” that is a slap in the face. When I put myself together, I hope he’ll appreciate it. ”Fine” just does not do it. (Big smile. Sip of wine follows.)
A2: Hold on a second. I really want my husband’s opinion. I mean, sometimes I’m not sure about an outfit and I hope he’ll tell me if he likes it or if it accentuates the wrong things. However, he’d better be careful. Maybe something like, “I like it, but it’s not my favorite” seems to work for me.
A3: I don’t ask my husband how I look. I am confident enough in the way that I put myself together that when I put in the effort, I know I look good. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it and let me know.
(Sarah: I am silently marveling at the conversation, taking mental notes, knowing that this is a great conversation for a future post.)
A2: You mean, you really don’t ever want his opinion about what you are wearing and whether or not he likes it?
A3: I’m sure I look appropriate and put together for the occasion and just fine. I don’t really need his opinion in that way.
A1: I put in the effort. I don’t want a “you look fine.” I want more acknowledgment than that.
A2: Hmmmm…. I guess I’m just different in that I truly want his opinion as to whether or not a particular outfit really makes sense for me. I care about what he thinks.
A1: I care what he thinks too. BUT, in this matter, I worked hard, I have confidence in my taste in clothing, and I hope he appreciates it.
Translate This Please
So, what’s a man supposed to say when his wife asks him how she looks?
My unprofessional opinions is as follows:
Figure out what she expects. Is she an A1 and A3 or an A2 type of woman. If she’s and A1 or A3, a “beautiful” or “spectacular” or “great” will do. Make sure you mean it. If you have a hard time finding her beautiful, without makeup and hair done, this is more about you than her. Better take a look at that one.
If you’ve got an A2 kind of woman, figure out a way to help her feel as good as she can. Learn the language that does not offend her, or learn to love how she puts herself together.
Ladies and gentlemen, care to add any comments to the discussion about what has or has not worked for you?
Other Posts You May Enjoy
Don’t forget to subscribe to our handy dandy completely irregular newsletter… or Like us on Facebook.
I think it’s ok to be a1 & a2…majority of women are. I know I am. Is like to hear “the color looks really nice on you” or “you look ravishing” etc BUT most men aren’t wired to say what women need to hear….this falls on us women to tell our men what we want/need to hear and be ok with having to do that. Now a3 seems like she is just plain confident and truly doesn’t need the approval/compliment. I’m sure that even still it’d be nice to hear them fr her man. This isn’t to say a1/a2 aren’t confident. All women are different & we need different thing. No right/wrong. Bottom line, be ok with asking for what you want to hear.
Erica,
I think that is a really great analysis of what I saw. A3 does love to hear compliments from her husband. It’s just that she doesn’t ever need him to critique how she looks. When she puts herself together, she knows how to do it. Most women I know are not as confident (in a good way) as she is.
Sarah
Thing is men often see things as true/false, yes/no, good/bad. If that is the case, then “fine” is the best answer you can get.
Interesting, Paul. Thanks for that perspective… I thought the whole conversation was pretty interesting when it was happening. Yes, it does have to be a compromise of styles, doesn’t it…
Sarah
Questions like this terrify us poor guys!
It’s not just a saying the right answer, but with some women we have to get the timing right too. Say it too fast, and we get accused of not really looking properly or paying attention. Too slow, and we’re (at best) indecisive or at worst, lying to protect her feelings.
Sorry to be the pessimist, but my interpretation is that none of the women actually want an honest opinion; even readin A2′s first comment, she says she “really wants his opinion… But he better be careful” So, is she after an actual opinion, or validation of the choices she’s already made?
———-
As for what works for me, I freely admit upfront as to having no fashion sense whatsoever. So, with that baseline, I can easily say “Darling, you know far more about this than I do…. By the way, which shirt should I wear?”
I agree with the article. I think it’s nice to make my wife feel great by telling her how wonderful I think she looks.
Jasper Carrott, British stand-up comedian, did a sketch once in which he said that the most worrying thing a woman can do is turn to her man, look expectant and say, “Well?”
(Has she had a new hairdo? Earrings? Dress?)
My wife usually gets one of three reactions to a piece of clothing:
1. A sincere “I like it” plus a specific thing I like about it. That’s for when it’s good but doesn’t blow me away. I used that recently on a shoe selection.
2. A really enthusiastic “I like it” with an eyebrows raised head bob, specific things I like about it and an extended viewing. That’s when it’s a head-turner. She got a shirt not too long ago that’s a great color on her, has an interesting design on it and does a good job of accenting her figure.
3. A specific thing I like about it, followed by something that I don’t like about it. That’s when I don’t really like it. If it’s something she hasn’t bought yet, though, it’s safer to jump right into the negative, especially if I feel strongly about it.
I did learn one thing. If you’re going to say something negative, don’t wait until the 12th time that she wears it. Say it when you first see it, or shut up.
My fiancee has good taste in clothes. She’s big and kind of on the round side, but it really shows how much work and dedication she puts into deciding what fits her, what colors are most definitive of her, and what looks too tight, too loose, or just awful.
When she wants to go out clothes shopping and treats me like her pack mule, I do my best to urge her to the fitting rooms once my hooves are wearing down to nubs. When she tries things on, though, I give her my honest opinion in as many words as possible, because she usually comes out with a look on her face like her mind is open to what I have to say, and not just yearning for me to rubber stamp what she already thinks. I find it to be a little rude for women ask the opinions of men and “expect” certain answers. Either pose a general request for our opinion, and expect a general opinion back, or specify what kind of opinion you want so we can comment on something specific. Sometimes my fiancee takes my opinion to heart and either buys the item or passes depending on what we agreed, or she vetoes my opinion and goes with what she feels. Either way, we’re both sure she made a wise decision.
To address the word that this post is in regard to, “fine.” I do feel there is a time when this word is appropriate when it comes to judging clothes, and that time is when we’re in a hurry and you’re still trying to pick something out. Sometimes, we’re 80% done dressing ourselves and you’re standing in front of your closet, like, “oh my oh me, what to choose.” You struggle into something fairly random, and think that’s a good time to discuss if something looks nice or not. In that case, “fine” should be interpreted as “you look good, but seriously, why didn’t you think about this earlier? And why do you feel like talking about this now? We’re almost late.”
You know, almost like when one of us asks “how are you” and the other says “fine.” It’s a way to appease things quickly because there’s a goal in mind. Here, the goal is to appease the other to avoid a discussion about something stressful. In the clothing example, the goal MAY be to meet a time-sensitive destination.
However, if there’s hours and hours to spare, we’re making good time and are way ahead of schedule, the question comes up and all you ladies get is “fine,” THEN I can understand,
Depends on circumstances and people involved,