Part 1: Setting the Stage - Does Pornography Affect Marriage?
We decided several weeks ago to take a look at this issue. Here’s why. We were curious about a number of questions. Specifically, does pornography, whether an individual or a joint issue, affect marriage? How? How do you know if it is a problem? When is it okay and when is it not? What do you do about it if you’ve got a problem?
After several weeks of research, here is what we learned:
First pornography is a loaded subject (I know, bad pun, but too hard to pass up), especially with the advent of free and anonymous online access to it. This is an issue affecting marriage at its deepest core, as I have discovered. It can be about sharing and exploration or it can be about insecurities, secrets, and addictions. Throw in that mix heavy doses of religion, exploitation, and polar opinions, and you have touched just the tip of the iceberg (sorry for the obvious cliche, but it works here).
Second. it affects everyone. If not now, then it will. The advent of online sexuality has had marked affects on marriage. There are over 100,000 websites selling sexual material in some way, and that number is increasing daily. Therapists, researchers and politicians see it as a looming issue that will affect most men and women in marriage at some point in their lives. (Pretty scary thought, don’t you think?) Also, as we discussed in our post, The Sexual MISeducation of a Generation, if it doesn’t affect you, your children will certainly be exposed at some point in their adolescence.
Third, a review of studies on the issue by Heather Kent for Regent University, summarizes some of the issues as follows:
“Complicating the cybersexual picture are more generally acknowledged differences in the ways that men and women view sexuality, such that women are more likely to see oral sex and cybersex as infidelity than men (Knox, Zusman, & McNeely, 2008). Cooper and his colleagues (2003) found that there are sex differences in accessing pornographic material on the internet, such that women are more likely to prefer using it to maintain connection with an established sexual partner, whereas men are more likely to access visual erotica, which is more likely to be addicting and destructive. In the United States, males are more likely to engage in online sexual activities (84%) than females (16%; Cooper et al., 2002)
In addition to its effects on the individual, various studies have indicated that cybersexual involvement has great impact on family members as well. Most partners do not see occasionally pornography use as negative, but nor do they see it as positive (Bridges, Bergner, & Hesson-McInnis, 2003). Between 30 and 40 percent of partners in one study (Bridges et al.) indicated that pornography had negative consequences for the relationship, including decreased self-esteem and increased feelings of undesirability for the partner of the one using pornography. Many women see cybersex as just as painful as an affair, including those whose spouses have had both virtual and real affairs (Schneider, 2003).”
See what I mean by a loaded issue? Another poll done on About.com with over 5,000 respondents confirms this 30-40% number that view pornography as having a detrimental affect on their marriage. There’s good news and bad news. The good is that most marriages don’t consider this an issue. The bad news is that 1/3 do. That’s a HUGE percentage.
The Plan for the Series
Funny thing, then, that there are so few people who take a look at it. Now I understand why. We went into this subject with a cavalier attitude. And got knocked over. For instance, we did not expect it to be an issue that experts predict will affect almost every marriage at some point. However, I firmly believe that what we ignore does not help us in the long run, so we may as well have a discussion.
To tackle this issue, we’ve interviewed experts and individuals alike to get their take on pornography’s affect on marriage. We cannot cover this in one or two days. We’ve decided to do a series on it which will include the following:
Two interviews with dedicated family men who consider themselves recovering pornography addicts. Their insights and candor are incredibly helpful.
Interviews with several marriage therapists about what they see in their practices.
Resources for those families who need help…
Some Ground Rules
Based on the fact that men are the more likely users of pornography, we will, in this series, discuss this from that perspective. However, that is not always the case. There are many cases where women partake more than their husbands and others where couples do it openly together. And every variation in between. We acknowledge that.
We welcome your comments and experiences. An open and honest discussion will help us all. You are welcome to leave anonymous comments (subject to our moderation, of course). Please note that our comments are most definitely moderated.
Other Posts You May Enjoy
Marriage and Pornography: Interview 1 – Day 2
Marriage and Pornography: Interview 2 – Day 3
Marriage and Pornography: the Experts’ Take – Day 4
Marriage and Porn: An Industry Perspective – Day 5
This is going to be a great series to read! I personally dont find anything wrong with pornography & it hasn’t hurt my marriage one bit but I’m sure its different for all couples so it’ll be nice to see what other say.
Lin,
I’m glad that you expressed this attitude. Researching this shows lots of views on either side.
Sarah
Hats off to you for tackling this one – I’ve researched this issue somewhat myself, and as you say, there aren’t many people publishing studies on it.
Or, rather, there are a few but it’s very hard to find unbiased information, probably based on the religious and polar opinions you mentioned.
Even the Kemp article you cited, in the opening paragraph it describes “the internet often has a dark side that remains unacknowledged, particularly in the area of pornography.”
Why call it a dark side, if not to form a prejorative view, especially if “Most partners do not see occasionally pornography use as negative”?
From the list of citations in Kemp, it seems that a lot of the articles they’re referencing focus on sexual addiction and/or heavy use. Which I can certainly understand is a problem in any relationship – any form of addictive behaviour, whether it’s chemical or behavioral, will certainly be detrimental to a marriage. Research on that topic is important to society, but it too is polarised – how much research is being done at the middle or other end of the scale, I wonder?
Some of the postings I’ve read about this topic also suggest that is also, even in academic cirles, still a stigma attached to publishing pro-pornography research which does not seem to carry over to those publishing those taking the opposite polar view. Various theories have cropped up over this, one noteably because U.S. Government grant funding is typically not given to those investigating non-conservative topics.
I’ll keenly look forward to reading your own research takes you.
Aussie,
Interesting that you bring this up. Just an hour ago, I contacted some of the therapists who I have quoted with the following question: “I am putting up the series this week, and I keep hearing from recovering porn addicts. I feel like I am seeing the extremes. How often do you see cases where pornography usage works okay in marriages? That stats say 30-40% find it to be detrimental. That means 60-70% think it’s tolerable or manageable or it isn’t an issue.”
I recognize this. My guess is that it is not an issue until it is a big issue. I have not seen much written about this. One of the therapists I wrote to today did comment on this… I will be sharing that later this week…
There is an incredible amount of bias in this whole subject from all ends. I have heard from porn stars to recovering addicts to marriage therapists to preachers… Each has his or her own perspective on it. I, too, cannot wait to see how this unfolds…
Sarah
Great Post!