The Pulse of Fighting
If you want to fight effectively or discuss a tough issue, control your pulse. That’s the secret. Stay calm. Simple, right? On paper, yes. In reality over a heated issue? Not so easy.
The Story of Discovery
On a walk the other day, we talked about fighting. One of our friends is incredibly calm when dealing with things that send me over the edge. She told me her secret.
“We learned really early in our marriage that if our pulse is too high, or if we are too enraged over an issue, we cannot hear each other. As a matter of fact, we end up fighting over how we’re fighting or about what we said during the fight instead of the original issue.”
Why It Works
It works. Here’s why. When calm, you can listen. When calm, you can be reasonable. When calm, you can compromise. When calm, you can accomplish anything as a couple.
Try it. When fighting, take a break. Agree to come back to the ring calm. If one person is getting too testy, try to keep each other calm. And see what you can accomplish.
Further Proof
In the middle of this discussion, I saw this post on WebMd on the NEW rules for marriage. It says that the new way to fight is to go to bed mad, wake up calm, and then try to resolve the issue when you are both calmer and more level-headed. Here’s what the post says.
“New rule: Sleep on it. Conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed down and are well rested. (Sarah here. See the theme?)
Rather than stay up to debate the disagreement du jour, Gottman suggests that couples set aside a moment every night to focus on what’s good about their marriage. Then, “no matter what — if you’re angry, if he’s angry, or if you’re both exhausted — kiss good night for six seconds,” he advises. “Sure, sometimes you’ll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation.”
That’s not to say that conflicts don’t have to be dealt with. To make sure disputes don’t get swept under the bedsheets, Gottman recommends having a standing, short “State of Our Union” meeting each week (just not at bedtime). “Take turns telling each other something about your marriage or your partner that you appreciated that week, and then afterward each of you gets to bring up one issue.”
Let us know if you agree. We find that it is much harder to read about than to accomplish, especially for those emotional issues.
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Diffusing the Fight – Before it Begins
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TRUE! As the calm one…usually…I know there is no win in the heat of battle. That said, there is sometimes no escape either. The real question is how do you diffuse the situation when you’re in the middle of it? In other words, can you tell my wife that?
Taylor
That’s a great idea for a post, Mr. Jamieson. How does one diffuse a tough fight in the middle of it? Off to research and test theories…
Sincerely yours,
Sarah
Sometimes I’m so tired at night, it just makes me feel angry and stupid meaningless things set me off. If I wait till morning to bring it up, I usually realize that I don’t really care about the issue and it’s not worth fighting over or I can bring it up in a gentler nicer way that’s a whole lot less accusing.
My friends are always surprised to hear we don’t really have passionate fights. Truth is that my husband has learned a single technique that brings my defenses down: all he has to do is to hold me. Even if he’s mad, even if I’m mad, even if we are both red with rage, he knows that we will get nowhere until I can lower my shields. It does take superhuman strength to hug someone who appears so enraged by your mere presence, but it WORKS every single time. After I understand that he’s still him and we still love each other, we are able to talk more calmly about whatever issue we were both so upset about. Sounds almost too simple a solution, but I dare ANYONE to try to be kind to someone they are angry about. It is the hardest thing in the world, but it pays off in big ways.
Ina,
What a great solution! I love it! You have found your solution…
Sarah
My wife and I have been working on “salvaging” arguments lately. Basically just agreeing to disagree and moving on to happier topics. If you’re fighting over something concrete like who is going to pick the kid up from daycare, then I guess you have to come to some sort of resolution, but interestingly enough, we never seem to fight over those things– it’s always some behavior or personality trait. Lately we’re realizing that we fell in love with each other for who we are, and we have to continue to accept each other for who we are. The “going to bed mad” idea is interesting, but I think if we did that, we’d just sleep poorly and re-escalate the situation when we wake up, except this time it’s 7:00am and we can’t put it off by kissing good night.
Of course sometimes tensions do run high and it’s best to shelf the issue and come back to it later, but one of you is always going to realize that long before the other does. I read an interesting method for dealing with this that I haven’t tried yet but I want to: Come up with a “safe word” that means all arguing MUST stop for the time being, and you’ll return to it when you’ve both calmed down. Both partners have to absolutely agree to honor the use of the safe word no matter what.
I want to take it a step further and make our safe word something ridiculous so that we might end on a laugh. I’m thinking of using “mango jelly.” It just sounds funny.
Thanks, Jon, for the great and insightful comment. Great tips!
Sarah
Thanks for the helpful tips!