How to Be Effective in Love

28. Oct, 2010 Categories: Relationship Advice by Sarah Baron 5 Comments

The Many Confusing Languages of Love – Boiled Down

All of us want to be loved in the best way for us, right? Also, when we show our love to others, we want them to understand that we love them – in other words, we want to be effective in our expression of love, right? But did you know that you may not even know what love works for you, let alone your other? I didn’t until about 2 weeks ago. (I know that is pathetic since I write about this stuff, but while I had a sense, I couldn’t really pinpoint what it is that makes me feel loved.)

And then, in my research, I ran into Dr.Gary Chapman, who I’ll dub “the love translator.” After decades of research and a dozen plus books, he explains that there exist 5 basic love languages, and that each of us needs to be loved in an the way that works for us.

Here’s how it works. The 5 love languages are:

Words of affirmation (when you need to hear that you are loved, beautiful, adored, etc.)
Quality time (when you need quality time with your other)
Gifts (from a card to a flower to lingerie to a Mercedes)
Acts of Service (doing things for each other like changing lightbulbs or cleaning bathrooms)
Physical Touch (the hugging, hand-holding type, not the other type)

If your language is gifts, you feel loved when your other gives you a gift. If it’s quality time, you need to spend time with your other to feel loved.

Now, here’s the problem. If you’re language is gifts, you may think that giving gifts is showing your love. However, your spouse’s language may be quality time. Therefore, even though you think you are expressing your love by buying gifts for him or her, it’s not going to work for them. They would rather hang out with you than receive your gifts. Interesting, don’t you think?

So, that leads to the question, what’s your language? And what is your spouse’s language? Those are two key pieces of data that could make a huge difference to your relationship.

Lucky for all of us, there is a 5 minute test you can take to figure out which type of love you respond to and need.

I did it and the results shocked me. I scored very high in Acts of Service, a close second in Physical Touch, and tied for third in words of affirmation and quality time. What about gifts? A big fat zero.

Hmmm…. that means that in my case, buying me that Mercedes would not mean as much as changing the lightbulbs or giving me hugs on a regular basis. Talk about a money saver!

I shared this concept with a friend and she said she wanted her husband to take the test because even though she tells her husband all the time how much she appreciates him, he feels unappreciated. ”Maybe you’re not speaking the language he understands?”

Then I asked my readers to share with me how their other seduces them. All 300 answers fit into one of his categories. I was shocked, but it was further proof that his theory holds up.

Think of the power you would have if you knew how to properly love your other! It could change everything!

If I had to ask the Anonymous8 community to invest 5 minutes in something, it would be to try this for yourself and ask your spouse to do it as well. The 5 Love Languages Assessment can be taken here for free. For husbands, click on the For Husbands profile. Same goes for the ladies (except you hit the For Wives profile). The results may shock you and then you can discuss it and how it affects your marriage.

For a translation of what the five love languages mean and how to implement them, I recommend The Five Love Languages. This could make a huge difference.

One more thing. Is it a coincidence, or is 5 a magic number in marriage, like it is in Marriage’s Magic Formula?

What is your love language?