An Experiment – Our First Ever Poll
We need your help answering one simple question. It should take 5 seconds.
Why? I’m curious about a particular question after a discussion with another of the A8 about this very topic. The question is flawed, but my hunch is that the answer is quite interesting. I’ll tell you why it is flawed later on. First, here are the questions.
For women: Is being a mother or wife harder?
For men: Is being a husband or father harder?
Please answer the question below depending on your gender.
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The Flaw
These answers are completely dependent on your personal circumstances. If your marriage is tough and your kids are reasonable, then being a parent is probably easier. On the other hand, if your teens are trouble and your marriage is solid, then being a spouse is probably easier.
So, why ask the question? I’m curious as to if there is a trend for either men or women and if they answer the questions in the same ratio. I promise to report the findings later on.
So, please answer the ONE question survey (based on your gender, of course). And then, if you please, answer why below.
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I have always felt I was a better husband than I was a father. Not that I think I am a horrible father, but it seems less clear, less obvious to me.
Yeah, I picked marriage, but I was thinking that “it depends.” At times parenting has been harder for me. At other times, marriage.
I would say that in the past I felt like you, Paul, but now that I am taking a more active role in parenting I see that they are both challenging and rewarding though in different ways. The most liberating thing that I have realized as a father is that I am much more responsible to my children for the kind of father I am than I am to the world for the kind of children I’m raising.
For me, how I answer this question would depend on what stage of my life I am thinking about…15-20 years ago, I would have answered that husband was more difficult; but now that our kids have grown up, I would say that being a parent is more difficult…go figure!!!
For me, parenting is much harder, though I couldn’t have hand-picked a cooler kid. The fear of somehow “ruining” him far outweighs any fear I’ve ever had of failing my husband. We have our own mechanisms in place for comfort and just about anything other emotion we need fulfilled but with a little one who is just starting to navigate his way through a plethora of emotions; good and bad, it can, at times, be paralyzingly frightening.
I picked husband, only because it’s a lifelong thing that you have to choose to keep working at. With our kids there are hard seasons, but as they get older (post-high school) it seems to get easier. Also I think that children more or less demand your attention and energy, whereas your spouse may not. It’s takes a more conscious effort to keep your marriage first, which is where it belongs for the benefit of your kids.
For me, it’s both. Sometimes, it’s harder being a wife than a mother and other times it’s the other way around. It could be that I’ve been married for only 3 years while more people here have more years of experience than I do. Honestly, I found it easier to be a single parent for 9 years to my daughter. Then I got married, gained a step-kid and had a baby. To me, being a mother is straightforward: take care of my children; as a wife it’s still a learning experience. Trying to balance children and hubby while ensuring that none are lacking for attention is not that easy. Perhaps eventually one will be harder than the other, but for right now, motherhood and marriage are equally hard.
Being a husband is harder, definitely. With parenting you bring certain skills and traits but not necessarily your true self. The children are also relatively easy to figure out and relate to (disclaimer: we’re only one year into the teen years with the oldest). Maybe that’s because of my childishness!
Being a husband, I have to put a lot more of my true self on the table, make changes to my core being to make things work, and be vulnerable to personal disappointments that are much more personal.
The results are interesting to me. I think being a mom is way harder than being a wife. But I’m in a pretty solid marriage and we don’t have a ton of struggles, per se. In other words, we do life fairly well together, even with a few bumps here and there. I think being a mom requires I stay on top of a lot more details, which feels harder for me at times.
Anyway, great question! Thanks for asking!!
It is interesting to see that the results are similar for men & women with an equal % saying husband/wife vs dad/mom. I know i had to think about it before answering. Very thought provoking (as is most of Anonymous8′s content!)
I’d say parenting is harder.
You can choose your spouse (and, I guess, ultimately choose to leave them if you must). But you can’t choose your kids, and they’re always a part of you.
Hi Sarah! Thank you for the invite…your question made my wheels turn. Easier to be a dad…without a doubt. My instinct as a dad is so much more natural and certain than that as a husband. I look back though and wonder how I would have answered before I had my little blue eyed mini-me’s or even before I was married.
There was a point in time I thought there was nothing more romantic than Sean Penn and Robyn in that scene in “She’s So Lovely” when he is finally released from prison and she, well…I don’t want to ruin the ending but if you’ve seen it, what could say “you complete me” more than that? And at the time I wanted a that girl to be mine. Remember when life was all about romance? Now romance is about life.
I also look back at the years of working with staff and assistants with kids (mostly mom’s) and I honestly had no idea how hard it was (is) for working parents when I wasn’t one. Men reading out there – take note and give them the benefit of the responsibility when they say, “I have to pick up the kids.”
Meanwhile, I try to explain the life-perspective-altering epiphany of one day becoming a dad to my kidless friends and I know I can’t. Having children changed my view of every aspect of life in every direction in time and dimesion…including my view of my own childhood and how my own parents managed (or mismanaged) doing what I do so naturally everyday. (Contrary to most people on talk shows, I believe having had a tough childhood made me certain not to repeat my parents mistakes…but that’s another story.)
I wonder what my wife would say….going to ask her tonight.
Taylor
Thanks for this Taylor.
I also answered that being a mother is easier than being a wife. For me, it has more to do with the concept that figuring out kids is more intuitive than sometimes figuring out other adults, not to mention power struggles and the like.
Sarah