Sex Ed Ain’t What it Used to Be
Ever heard of the TED conference? It’s an annual get-together of many of the world’s most influential thinkers, business leaders, and others. Think Bill Gates, Robin Williams, and Kareem Abdul-Jabar, just to name a few of the hundreds, and these are the attendees. The entrance fee is in the thousands. For several days, participants listen to lectures by the most forward-thinking and innovative leaders in the fields of science, technology, politics, medicine, law, and others. They hear about trends that are shaping and defining our world. Getting into TED is harder than getting into Harvard with a 2.0 GPA. However, the rest of us are lucky, because TED now posts many of these talks on their site for the world to see and share.
Shocking, Really
The lecture I am sharing with you below is about how young men mostly and young women, to a degree, are now educated about sex by pornography and its proliferation on the web and beyond. Our children and young adults are being miseducated about sex. And the unintended consequences are shocking and a little alarming, to say the least. In this 4 minute video, Cindy Gallop gives you a snipet of her experiences. This is FOR ADULTS 18+ only.
First, the response to Ms. Gallop’s 4 minutes was electrifying. Robin Williams cornered her and did a 10 minute ad lib comedy take on this entire issue. She is memorable, first, because she is a proper British lady from all appearances, or is she? Second, her message really makes sense in its hard core aspects, once you are willing to open up your mind to the possibility of this phenomenon.
So, that certainly gives you something to think about, doesn’t it? It’s like woa and OMG and holy camoley all wrapped together – not to mention the interesting debate at a dinner table (adults only) that this could foster.
I view this in a number of ways. First, as a mother of teens, I am beginning to realize that if I do not engage them in discussions of what happens in the bedroom, that the void of will be filled by more, shall we say, sinister teachers - in the form of pornography. Even Netnanny won’t keep them away once they are in college. There are ramifications for both boys and girls on this one. Second, as noted by the Marry Blogger, pornography can really change the way people feel inside their marriage about themselves and what they need. So, this conversation can be relevant, especially if one or both spouses watches pornography. What she says is that discussion and understanding are necessary and important around this issue so that both parties only do what they are comfortable with in bed. And that there is no judgment based on these decisions.
Goodness, I did not want this to be about only about pornography. We’ll take that issue head on (no pun intended) later on.
My goal was to share what is happening to our society, and to reenforce the notion of the importance of discussing sexual issues in our relationships and why Anonymous8 has been important to us as women. It helps us discuss these taboo topics in an open and respectful manner at a high level. Her website, Makelovenotporn, can be found here.
So, what do you think? Comments are welcome (and moderated, FYI).
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I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday! It’s amazing to me some of the things people think are true. I’m TTC, and some of the message boards I’m on have some of the most ridiculous assumptions I’ve ever read. It’s obvious that a lot of people in my generation (I’m 26) and younger have learned a lot about these types of things through hearsay and what they see on TV. When I was in school, we had the basic talk in 5th grade where we were divided, boys in one room, girls in the other, and they told us about our periods and being clean and that type of thing, but NEVER in my 13 years of public education, was I given a sex talk or told about contraception or anything like that (other than a quick overview in a section of my health textbook that I read on my own, we didn’t cover that section in class). It’s no wonder that the town I grew up in has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the state. My parents never really gave me a talk, either. I think that when I have children, I’m going to give them a talk about the truth and open lines of communication early so they feel comfortable asking me questions rather than relying on hearsay and learning things the hard way.
Fidgeting Gidget,
Interesting about the lack of sex ed and the high rates of teen pregnancy… Thanks for your thoughts about this. I too want to have open lines of communication with my kids. Easier to say than to do, I’ll tell you!
Sarah
Dang. I can’t watch the video right now because I have a sick child at home, but I’ll come back to it later tonight when young ears aren’t listening.
I was fortunate enough to attend a very progressive high school, and they actually set aside an entire school day for (age-appropriate) sex education during my senior year. While most kids acted like the whole thing was totally lame, I thought it was awesome and learned a lot. The school probably isn’t allowed to do anything like that now.
I know kids don’t always feel comfortable engaging in these sort of discussions with their parents, but I plan to be very open and honest with my sons, and I hope they feel like they can ask me or my husband about ANYTHING. Great article!
Buzzvibe,
I can’t wait to see what you think of the video! Seems like the answer is to keep lines of communication open.
Sarah
I (in my late 20′s) actually wasn’t allowed to attend the sex ed course. I was the only kid in the entire 6th grade that had to sit in the library! My parents thought that to talk about it would be to encourage it. So they never mentioned a single word about it to me. Ever. The consequence? For many years, a general shyness and insecurity about the topic.
And while that’s not the case now, after watching that video, I am left wondering: how much miseducation have I gotten? The only people I’ve ever really talked to about sex are the men I’ve had sex with. And I’d say that the majority of them likely HAVE been taught by porn.
Interesting, indeed.
Miseducated,
Interesting what happens and the damage we do when we put our heads in the sand, isn’t it? So, the next question is, how do you get educated without it being from porn? Don’t know the answer, just the question.
When I was pregnant with my daughter – a friend of mine gave me a book called “It’s So Amazing!” as a baby shower gift. It’s a book about “Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families” by Robie Harris and illustrated by Michael Emberley – it’s directed toward young children… they recommend ages 7 and up… but we’ve just read it to our now 6-year old daughter because she was asking us lots of questions. The book is fabulous, accurate, and appropriate. We’ll probably review it every now and then as she gets older, hoping to prompt different discussion each time. I highly recommend this resource to open the lines of communication with your children.
Meredith,
Thanks for this piece of advice. That’s a great idea. There are other books for when the kids get older, as you will see. Don’t have any stellar choices that stand out.
Thanks,
Sarah
I, too, have little listening ears around and vids online of any kind are a magnet to her, so we have to watch it. We were discussing children and sexuality in a small group at church a few weeks ago, and in this area, there’s “sex ed lite,” which is 1-day and just the most basic anatomy type topics (these are girl parts, these are boy parts – segregated, of course), then there’s a more intensive course available. My husband was very inexperienced when we met, and he later confessed that all he knew he learned from watching porn. “What? You mean normal girls can’t do those contortionist poses on stairs while wearing 6″ platform sandals?” *eyeroll*
It’s important to us that our girls view bodies as normal, regardless of shape or size. We’re not nudists, but we’re not shy about being naked in front of them, either. Our theory is, if seeing nakedness is normal and common as we get dressed or whatever, then there’s no mystery to it, no sense of “this is wrong” or “this is taboo.” There’s no inappropriate touching allowed, and our oldest knows that only a very few certain people are allowed to touch her bottom, and if I’m not one of them, then her daddy or I had better be there. After 6 years of this being the norm, it’s very much “no big deal” and she’s not curious at all.
Sara,
You seem to have a good handle on the issue. Your husband’s education is interesting to me. I wonder how many men get their sex education from pornography? And I can extend that question to women as well.
Thanks for commenting.
Sarah
Excellent post!
I have 4 teen/pre-teen kids and we have been having regular, age-appropriate sex talks since they were 5 years old and starting school. It’s amazing how much misinformation they have gotten from their friends over the years!!
I’ve found an open dialogue to be a very effective way to prevent early teen sex. This was especially true when I explained to my teen daughters that as soon as they begun having sex with their young boyfriends that would be all the boys would want to do… ever… for about a decade. Since they enjoy other dating activities (like movies and hanging out at the mall), they made the decision on their own to wait until after high school and now claim they will likely wait until after college to have sex. They both have had long term boyfriends (over a year each) and have really stuck to their guns on the matter… even through pressure from the boys. Now I don’t have to be the nag telling them not to… as the decision was theirs entirely.
Becky,
You are a wise and funny woman. What a great strategy! I love the part about what the boys would want to do for a … decade. Very sensible advice. I may have to try that when the time comes. Any advice for teen boys?
Sarah
Thanks for pointing toward this video Sarah! And, thanks for the link too!!
I am interested to find out what the makelovenotporn site is all about – haven’t visited yet.
Man, I can’t even fathom talking to my son about sex yet. He’s 4. I feel like I am just getting clear headed about it myself – thankfully!
Also, when the sex topic comes up, all we can do it our household is talk about how we pursued it ourselves, and how we feel that we didn’t make the best decisions in that regard. I hope that our decisions will help him make better ones for himself and for his future wife!
Sarah… for teen boys the answer is simple much simpler. From a very young age force them to go shopping with you and give their opinions on clothes, shoes, etc. Then if you have daughters have the boys do the same for them… all the time.
Then when they ask what to do when they date a girl, all you have to do is tell them that teen girls like to go to the mall and shop and that you’ve been training them for it all along. I’m pretty sure my boys will not want to date for a very long time!!! My oldest dated one girl and she made him go shopping with her a couple times… proving my point… she was history very fast and that was over a year ago… lol!
The boys also have to chaparone their sisters on their dates. It serves a couple purposes… they insist the boyfriends treat their sisters with respect (thus learning how to treat girls themselves) and it makes it very hard for my daughters’ boyfriends to pressure them for anything more than a quick peck because the boys make obnoxious sound effects when they try for longer kisses.
I finally got a chance to watch the video, and I LOVE this woman. Yay for Cindy Gallop!
Becky,
My, oh my! You are a crafty and strategic woman. I admire that! Gotta think this one through. I like it!
Thanks,
Sarah
Thank you so much for this post, and the great comments. MakeLoveNotPorn has received an extraordinary response, and I am committed to taking it forward to make it more far-reaching and effective. It is my secondary venture (www.ifwerantheworld.com is my main focus) so am seeking funding to be able to build and develop, but watch this space!
Cindy,
Great to have you. The reason MLNP has received such a response is because it has certainly hit a nerve, and a need.
Thanks,
Sarah
I’m a 20-something. I had a great 9th grade sex ed class, but let’s face it, by 9th grade you’ve already heard all about it from your friends and likely seen a good amount of porn by then.
Thankfully I had a biblical worldview teaching me about sex and a great support system of friends and adults I could talk about it with. I do admit, sometimes I feel like I should be acting like a porn star, but I know at the end of the day that is an unrealistic expectation. And truthfully, I don’t *want* sex to be porn. I want it to be Love. so, yeah. Great post.
Ashley,
Thanks for your input. It seems that people are getting “re-educated” once in a long term relationship. That’s my sense…
Sarah
Hi there.
Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest to say hello.
Have a great rest of the weekend!
http://harrietandfriends.co
Thanks for pointing toward this video Sarah! And, thanks for the link too!!
I am interested to find out what the makelovenotporn site is all about – haven’t visited yet.
Man, I can’t even fathom talking to my son about sex yet. He’s 4. I feel like I am just getting clear headed about it myself – thankfully!
Also, when the sex topic comes up, all we can do it our household is talk about how we pursued it ourselves, and how we feel that we didn’t make the best decisions in that regard. I hope that our decisions will help him make better ones for himself and for his future wife!
Coming in to comment all late and wrong.
But – I am a 23 year old who didn’t have sex ed til 8th grade – and yep you’ve seen it all by then in todays world. AND YES THAT STATEMENT SHOULD SCARE PARENTS.
I have heard of this mis-education before and believe it to be very very true. Every man I have ever been intimate with wants to do all sorts of craziness and is always begging to know what other craziness I want to partake in – um, its pretty hard to top your last request in the throws of things but Ill let you know if something comes to mind. And as a young female you do believe that this is what men really expect you to be like – all of the time – every time – in bed. At my age with my experiences – I don’t believe I can say I have ever “made love” and that is a sad and scary thing.
Kita,
That is one sobering comment. Thank you for sharing and confirming what Cindy is saying. Now all we have to do as parents if figure out what to do about it. Your honesty is so helpful.
Sarah
If you’re the mother of teenagers, then it’s way too late to have that talk. Netnanny and related software doesn’t work once a kid understands computers, which they all do at a younger and younger age. Even before the internet, teenage boys found pornography by the age of 14. I’m 35, and by the time I was 14 every single boy at my middle school had watched at least one XXX vhs and had at least one dirty magazine (and I don’t mean Playboy, I mean actual dirty) at home. The Internet just makes it easier and gives them a wider range of behaviors to view. Parents that think they can wait until their kids are teenagers (12+) to have The Talk are disconnected from reality. I don’t care how strict/secure/stuck-up you think your house is, at some point they leave that house and interact with other people.
Wow, what food for thought. I this is a real issue and I am kind of glad I have come upon it while my kids are still young. Because it is going to take my about 10 years to gather the skill to talk to my kids about sex and how its not like porn. But I have to do it, it is my job to teach them the real way.
I’m going to have to come back later to watch the clip. My five-year old is snuggled up next to me. My older daughter is nine, so I’d like to get a jump on the topic facing pre-teens and teens before I actually have to get super serious about looking it in the eye.