A Guy Who Figured it Out
Here’s the story behind our guest today.
I sent out a tweet about our book Getting Lucky with the Wife. Aaron, our guest, responded that getting lucky has absolutely nothing to do with luck.
He didn’t even know that was the end of our title. We started talking. I wanted to know what he knew about luck and HOW he figured it out. (I figured a bunch of other guys would want to know this as well.) Well, he certainly makes a lot of sense. He answers my questions below. You’ll see why he’s a lucky guy and that it takes work and a whole bunch of consideration.
A8: When you told me that luck has nothing to do with getting lucky, what did you mean?
Me: Wow. That is a really great question that I could talk/write/dance/sing about for hours or even days in response to. Seriously, though, what I meant was that having frequent, positive sexual intimacy with your spouse is as much about luck as the success of Google or Apple. Luck is what the jealous call the results of trying, failing, learning, and growing. If you think that bringing home a paycheck is the end of your husbandly duties and that foreplay is a slap on the buttock while rubbing your erection against her, then yes, any kind of sex is going to be dumb luck. The successful husband knows that foreplay starts when you get up in the morning and ends when intercourse begins: in short, if you are meeting the emotional needs of your wife all day, she will be in a much more arousable state of mind when you make sexual advances.
A8: What are the key things you have learned in your relationship with your wife that have made it strong (and gotten you lucky along the way)?
Me:
Patience: Early on, when she would tell me about some hurt or issue that she was dealing with I would try to jump immediately into solving the problem without making an effort to truly hear her and let her know that I was on her team and that her feelings about the situation were important and meaningful. Also, in our marriage I have always been the more adventurous one in the bedroom, but I have learned that it never pays to steamroll or dismiss her concerns in this area–and slowly moving from the status quo to where I wanted to go was worth the wait even when it has taken years in some areas. Being patient says, “You are more important than my agenda.”
Team: Team means that communication is key and important decisions are not made unilaterally. It means that husbands are parents too! So many men (myself included for many years) seem to think that parenting is “womens’ work.” Can a woman successfully parent alone? Yes! Can a man? Certainly. But that’s not the point of marriage. Getting married means having a shared life with shared responsibilities–a team. And to bring it back ’round to sex (as most men do), my wife always says that there’s no one hotter than a man who loves his kids, more so if they’re hers too.
Growth: I have established a history of “growing up” about many different things in my marriage. That history is what has given my wife hope when we have tackled some pretty serious issues in our relationship.
A8: What 3 things would you advise other husbands to do if they would like more luck?
Me:
Listen: Hear what your wife is saying (and not saying). Ask her questions that show that you are interested in her day, her thoughts, her feelings and then shut up and listen as long as she takes to answer. “Listen” to her tone and body language too.
Act: Do not be a passive bystander in your marriage. Realize that you are as happy and fulfilled (within reason) as you are choosing to be. Is there something that she has been asking you to do? Just do it. Have you noticed something that is likely bothering her, but she hasn’t mentioned it yet? Even better! Ask her what she thinks of solution Y to problem X and then ACT!
Speak: Tell her when you appreciate something that she does. Be observant and make a habit of letting her know what you notice and how you feel about it (emphasize the good here: a 10:1 positive:negative ratio at least). For example, my wife was ill for years while I was working 60-80 hours a week at a startup company, and so, our house was often very messy. This was a source of frustration and resentment because I wanted a clean house but neither of us had the energy (both of us) or the time (me) to do anything about it. Now that she is much healthier, our house is usually pretty clean (for a house with 6 kids), but it still makes her day when I say, “Wow honey! The house is looking really good today.” It especially matters to her now because I don’t just talk about the state of the house: I jump in and clean right alongside her.
A8: Also, do you think that you wife’s work has anything to do with your happy intimate life? I mean, she is around, shall we say, cues all day…
Me: I can see how it might be easy to think that, but we actually had a fantastic sex life before AmberDawn started her Pure Romance business. In fact, that was part of the reason she was looking into that kind of business. We both felt that she could make a big impact in womens’ lives with knowledge that she has gained in this area. I think that having a husband who is actively committed to supporting her in her business success (industry aside) is a much bigger turn-on for her than the content of the business itself.
About the author: A self-described, semi-pro husband, Aaron McCall is serious about improving his skills as a spouse. He has recently begun to tweet as @HubbyPhD and is in the planning stages forhttp://hubbyphd.com, an educational site for husbands (and potential husbands) who want to improve their relational skills too.
Gentlemen, for more help in this area. Check out our book Getting Lucky with the Wife. It could be the best investment you EVER make.
Other Posts You May Enjoy!
- 8 Ways to Treat Your Wife Like a Girlfriend
- What Makes Real Women Melt
- The 14 Sexiest Things a Guy Can Say to His Wife
- 17 Stupid Things Guys Do to Guarantee a Sex Free Marriage
- What Every Guy Should Know About Foreplay
Finally, don’t forget to subscribe to our handy dandy completely irregular newsletter… or Like us on Facebook.
Well said, and yes, he lives it. Have we always had a perfect marriage and sex life? NO! Is is perfect now? Of course not! What’s the point of perfect? Perfect is a conversation stopper.
We prefer growth. We prefer a marriage and sexuality that just keeps getting better. And let me tell you, there is nothing hotter than a man who has spent 13 years carefully learning how to drive ME, specifically, out of my mind.
Our anniversary is Monday. I look forward to the next 13 years, and am absolutely over the moon that Aaron is choosing to share his wisdom with other men.
AmberDawn and Aaron,
You two are pretty inspiring… Be careful, or you’ll end up with 6 more over the next 13 years!
Sarah
Hi Aaron,
As someone who has figured some of these skills out, still needs to figure out a lot more and has read a lot of books and online advice about being a better husband, I wanted to offer some feedback.
When I see an opener like this: “If you think that bringing home a paycheck is the end of your husbandly duties and that foreplay is a slap on the buttock while rubbing your erection against her, then yes, any kind of sex is going to be dumb luck”, I’m going assume that the information that follows is for the absolutely clueless. Those guys probably aren’t really in your target audience because they’re likely oblivious to their issues in the first place.
Take it from a marketing guy – you can do a good job of really knowing your audience and helping them with their blind spots without playing up how incredibly clueless they are. Even if most men see it for what it is – hyperbole – many are going to assume that you’re writing to a level that they’ve long since passed, or had the smarts to avoid in the first place. It’s all about picking your audience and positioning your message.
Good luck with the site! I’ll be checkin’ it out when it launches!
-Rob
Hey Rob,
Thanks for the feedback! I’ll remember your advice when writing in the future.
Aaron
Hi Aaron,
Unlike the marketing geniuses selling otherwise free apps to generation-i and ads on FB that pretend the # of hits on your page relates to sales, I know most married men can take and most likely need the slap in face approach you give them.
(*Rob – be careful not to give the current generation of fathers and husbands too much credit…have you seen the divorce rates? I read 20% of American divorce claims specifically mention FaceBook.)
Men today are more educated and spend less time with their wives and kids than ever. Time for a reality check gentlemen…put down your iPhones and get engaged in your marriages.
Taylor
Taylor,
Just saw the last Oprah. One of her lessons from her 25 years is that generosity given comes back attcha. I immediately leapt to marriage. What you and Aaron are referring to is that generosity of spirit, or time, of a helping hand. And that’s why your marriages are more fulfilling than many.
Sarah
Taylor,
Thanks! Here’s how I intend to approach things: many professors teach both freshman ’101′ classes and senior level seminars. Not all husbands are freshmen, but more of them are than aren’t.
I agree with Rob that some men will be turned off by a more ‘talk slowly and use small words’ approach, but you are also right that a large number need just that sort of approach.
Rob is also right that many men who are voluntarily looking to improve their husbanding skills may not need the 101, but a lot of men are being sent to sites like this one (and hopefully mine soon!) by others who do see that they need the help.
Again, thanks for your response. I look forward to more conversation in the future.
Aaron
Hi Aaron,
Thanks for taking my feedback in the spirit it was intended. There are certainly guys that need to be clued in – pretty much all of us to some degree. There’s a subtle art to balancing basic vs advanced information, good-natured jabs vs insulting, etc. You’ll have plenty of that to navigate as you get rolling. Again, good luck with the new site!
-Rob