Refinding Intimacy Part 4

An Interview with Julie Sibert

Julie is the creator of IntimacyinMarriage.com, a site that encourages women towards healthy sexual intimacy. Consider her brave.  She is the first person who is appearing in this series with full attribution.

While she talks from a Christian perspective, her blog and her advice are pertinent to so many no matter your religious beliefs or background. It covers a lot of pretty personal and heady stuff.

I’ve spoken with Julie several times and she posesses a calm, reassuring, reasonable, refreshing, and knowledgeable voice. You’ll see why below.  My favorite nugget of advice I have highlighted in blue.

What do you see as the primary reasons that couples go through dry spells?

If a couple in general has healthy sexual intimacy, the dry spell could be because they’ve lost a sense of their identity as a couple.  Things like kids, jobs, mundane tasks, volunteer commitments, and so forth have gained a foothold.  Sex easily gets pushed to the side. After all, it’s not “sex” that mows the yard, signs the permission slips or feeds the dog.  Sex seems like such a “negotiable” – and everything else that “has to be done” screams a bit louder.  The irony to it all is that nurtured sexual intimacy actually better equips a couple to “do life together.”   If mama and daddy are in sync, the rest of life tends to move along okay.  What “has to get done” generally still gets done.  And you have a connected couple in the midst of it.

What do you advise couples who are going through “dry spells?”

This may sound like such a stock answer, but communication is the starting point for any struggle or roadblock in a relationship.  I’m a firm believer in calling things like they are…in initiating an honest conversation about sexual intimacy in a way that makes it safe for each person to be real about what they are feeling. Not easy, but such a great healthy pattern to build into a relationship.  The more a couple can become comfortable in talking about their sexual intimacy, including the dry spells, the more likely it is that they’ll be able to navigate together out of such a spell.

Do you give different advice to men and women?  I am assuming here that there is one spouse more interested in intimacy than the other…

Obviously each marriage is unique with its own dynamics, past issues, etc.  But in general, no… I do not give different advice to men and women about a dry spell.  I always bring it back to communication…to hearing each other and being able to express oneself without the fear of rejection or condemnation.  Another piece of universal advice is to be “for” your marriage… in other words, if things are feeling difficult sexually, then take the initiative to learn.  You don’t have to wait for the other person to learn.  Begin on your own to nurture the marriage, to glean from good resources, to understand the opposite gender.  Even if your spouse doesn’t respond, you know you have tried (and are continuing to try).  There is a verse in the Bible that says we are each accountable to God for our actions.  If one spouse is trying and the other spouse is indifferent, ultimately each must talk with God about the paths they are choosing.

Are there any interesting and inspiring stories you can share with us?

I would offer my own marriage as an example.  People may find it surprising that my husband and me – two people who really like sex – do in fact go through dry spells every now and then (although, our dry spells may be relatively short compared to any national average… I’m not sure?!)  When we are feeling disconnected sexually, I have always found that sexual flirting is a good way to reconnect.  That and not being afraid to ask for what you desire.  If it’s been awhile, I’m bold in simply saying, “I need you.”

In cases where you see couples refinding intimacy, what are the key factors for that?

You know that old saying when it comes to real estate… “Location. Location. Location.”  Well, I think an applicable one with refinding intimacy could be “Communication. Communication. Communication.” (Although, the “location” tip may work well in this instance too, especially if you’re looking to add a little variety! Ha!) The other thing I would say is broaden the lens a bit so that “refinding intimacy” doesn’t automatically mean “getting back to what your intimacy looked like before.”  In other words, even if your sexual intimacy was great before the dry spell, still challenge yourself to discover new things about your spouse… new ways to arouse them, encourage them, etc. (staying within the boundaries of exclusivity, of course).  Always be intentional in adding to your “sacred sexual knowledge” about the person you married.

Pay attention to the patterns getting set in your marriage – healthy patterns are usually intentional, whereas unhealthy patterns (like neglecting sexual intimacy) are usually unintentional.

See what I mean?

Any things to add?

Other Posts You May Enjoy

Rediscovering Intimacy:  Part 1

Fun Tip Tuesdays:  Twenty Questions Leads to More Intimacy

Refinding Intimacy, Part 2

Refinding Intimacy, Part 3

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