Part 1: An Interview with Kit of BloggingDangerously
We have been searching for role models. Not just any role models, but couples who have refound sex after a drought-like period.
Many of these case studies are coming out in a book we are releasing mid-March. (More on that later.)
However, we wanted to feature one person earlier than that. Her name is Kit, she is the creator of the blog, BloggingDangerously, (warning: it can be pretty racy) and she has graciously shared her story with us. So I thought we’d use this opportunity to put in a plug for her. If you like her and what you read, go here to vote for her blog to win this year’s blog.ie Award for best new blog.
Here’s the interview:
How would you describe your intimate life pre-children?
My intimate life pre children was AWESOME. We had lots of time and zero commitments so we would rendezvous at my apartment around 5:15, jump into bed, stay there until we needed food or drink, get up BRIEFLY and then collapse back to bed. It was amazing.
About a month before my son was conceived I had an ovarian cyst that required surgery. Before the surgery, sex was painful, we had a 6 week moratorium on sex after the surgery – and then we found out we were pregnant! During that pregnancy I had placenta previa which essentially shut down our sex life until the placenta grew out of the way toward the end.
During the early childhood years?
Post baby things were definitely MUCH slower. We were both more tired, there was an infant in the bed and when we started “TRYING” to conceive again sex started to feel like a chore. Our second son was conceived and then born and we were officially exhausted. I was pregnant again before he was weaned and then weaned his baby sister to conceive our fourth. IT was like the DARK AGES in our house.
Now? What Happened to Make Those Changes?
And then my baby turned 1 and I started going to the gym in the mornings. I lost 25 pounds. I had more energy, I felt great. And things started to pick up.
Now we have more time for sex – and more energy. We’re both willing to work a little harder to make it happen and since we’re talking about it more and doing it more, we’re thinking about it more which leads to us DOING it more. It’s a vicious, WONDERFUL cycle.
I’m not sure that anything happened to MAKE those changes – other than the kids getting to the point that we weren’t on call 24/7 and completely exhausted. I will say that we were very understanding when the other one wasn’t in the mood and either “took care of ourselves” or just let it go – so that sex never became something that we battled over – or got defensive about. It never had any bad stigma attached to it.
What advice would you give to couples who are experiencing a lull?
I would encourage other couples to 1) encourage each other to have a healthy self-sex life. 2) be open minded – even when you’re not in the mood you can lend a hand or enjoy some affection – who knows, it might put you in the mood! 3) communicate – it’s important to tell you spouse that your lack of interest has nothing to do with them – that you’re tired or stressed or whatever. And if it IS them? If there’s a weight issue or something else that you need to discuss, do it in as positive a way as possible.
What advice would you give to men who are more interested in intimacy than their wives?
I would encourage men to talk to their wives – not to say, “I want more sex.” but to say, “I miss you. What could I do to make you more interested?” Telling your wife that you want more sex adds to her already overwhelming list of things that people need from her. Asking her what you can do to put her in the mood helps alleviate that overwhelmed feeling. Would you be happy if you had to make dinner once a week but got more sex? I thought so!
Have any tips for those couples experiencing a little dry spell in the bedroom department?
Other Posts You May Enjoy
Rediscovering Intimacy – Part 2
Woman Charms – another guest post by Kit
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In some ways this marriage and babies thing scares the hell out of me. Can’t imagine not needing that intimacy. Good to know it can return to normal – but it is very educational to know that it needs as much work as other parts of a marriage.
thanks for such an awesome post. we have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. i can relate with being exhausted. we make sure to get “together” at least once a week – but it is a challenge to even make that happen. i am SO looking forward to the days when we can be a bit more spontaneous and not as exhausted
thanks for all the hope that this article conveys for tired parents!
Amanda,
I’m glad you stopped by and that you can see what happens later on, when you get some of your marriage back. You are in an exciting and challenging time for marriages…
Sarah
We go through lulls as well. It is only natural I think. Then, we usually get back to it and think, “Why don’t we do this more often?” Well, with children, full-time jobs, and the tired/busy day-to-day, it’s easy to know why we don’t do it more often. I like how she mentioned above not to get too negative about it all.
I think if you have a healthy diet exercise, and have a postive attitude everthing is possible. If a person has an erection problem there are physical and mental solutions for the problem.
Great interview! Kids definitely add a new element to the sex life (or lack thereof) of any married couple. The advice she gives about being willing to ‘lend a hand’ or participate in other ways even when you’re not in the mood is great. A lot of the women I talk to – myself included – often find that once they start foreplay they’re glad they did.
I also like the advice to say ‘I miss you’. One of the things I’ve heard again and again is that it’s hard to go from ‘mommy mode’ to ‘wife mode’ and often mom’s feel like ‘great just one more person who wants to cling to me’. One way husbands can make that transition possible is to handle bedtime so that mom can take a bath, destress and shift into a more ‘romantic’ mood.
This is so important. Thank you for helping us keep intimacy alive and well in our relationship. I have been thinking about this stuff a lot, so I hope I can take this info and pass it along. Just recently posted, Relational Intimacy, discussing the importance of closeness. Keep up the great work!