The Jar That Shows What You Want
Hmmm…. That sounds interesting. This week’s Fun Tip Tuesday’s tip also originates from a reader, who we will call Maria. She developed this idea herself, and it is still a work in progress as you will soon see.
We named her idea “The Jar of Desires.” Really, there are two jars – one for you and one for your spouse. In yours, you write things on slips of paper that you would like your spouse to do that would make you happy. In his, he does the same. Then you each draw out slips of paper whenever you want, and that’s where the interesting part begins.
Interesting prospect, don’t you think? First, you have to actually define what it is that you want. Then your other has to do the same.
Here is what Maria reported about the process of creating a workable system for her and her husband. It definitely required some tweaking.
“He did create an idea jar for me to use, but it didn’t go quite like I thought it would. His jar notes seemed to all have the same theme (a bedroom one if you get my drift), and there was no way to tell when we picked a note if it could even be accomplished in the time available, so we kept having to throw back and fish again.
We didn’t really say if the jars were secretive or not so I peeked at some of his notes… and learned they were ALL about the “bedroom”. My jar notes were things like: Lets go for a walk, I want to hear about your day. Give me a spank when I walk by (I’ll think its cute I promise, and you might get lucky:)
So for 1 whole day I was bummed that he didn’t also want to go for a walk etc … My ideas were all about emotional closeness and his were all about physical closeness (talk about men are from Mars).
Then I started to warm up. He must NEED those things if he thought he had to write them down. Wow! What was I missing (did I mention we have a 2 year old)?
So we’re having a do over. Different colored notes mean different time spans. Blue paper is get a sitter, green paper is no advance planning required. Put whatever you want on the notes, whatever will bring you happiness, as long as you know it will not also bring the other person real pain. Opera will not actually kill anyone, there are no known cases (unfortunately none for watching basketball either). We will try anything once.
What would you put into your jar?
We are drawing 3 greens on Friday from each persons jar, every other week we plan to draw a blue. We don’t have a set schedule for replenishment, but maybe that will change…
I’m also going to make a conscience effort to spice it up a little so that maybe some of his future jar notes are a little less bedroomy, and I put some bedroomy ideas in my notes since I thought he would like it (based on the trend of his notes).”
So, you can see that this is a work in progress, but we thought it was important and creative, because it made us think about what we would put in our jar and guess what our others would put in theirs.
What would you do? What do you really want? Any ideas? Share them if you please.
If you post a comment before 10pm 4/26, you could win a $50 gc to Godiva.
Other posts you may enjoy:
Fun Tip Tuesdays – It’s All in the Roll of the Dice
Marriage Intimacy – Best Advice Ever
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What a fabulous idea!
>”He must NEED those things if he thought he had to write them down.”
I love this eureka moment! So often we miss the signals our spouses throw our way, especially if their needs are not the same as ours. Beautiful.
I think this is a cool idea. It’s fun but it also allows you to connect in ways that you wouldn’t normally take time to try.
However, I’m guessing the biggest benefit is the fact that you have to think about what YOU want from your relationship.
Dustin,
I think you are right, and when I wrote this, that did not even sink in until I pushed that post button…
Now I have so much stuff I could say about this post… Most of which is pretty funny. I am honestly not surprised by the types of things each of the characters placed on their notes. I am equally not surprised that the wife was surprised by the fact that the husbands notes all had to do with sex. I think this says a lot about the differences of men and women and why it can be so hard for them to get along while both getting what they want out of the relationship.
Both the husband and the wife were writing down things they wanted, and both had to do with intimacy. I personally liked the first part better before they modified it. Spontaneity is much better than warning one another with the different colored notes. I am left wondering if Maria is pulling any of the notes that are blue. Also, I think the rules should go away completely. If you really want to know what your spouse wants, needs, and desires, it should be blatantly honest. After all that is the real person you are with, and hopefully you love that person for who they are. Love the idea, just loose all the rules and try and give each other what they want.
I am actually a little put off by Maria putting things on her notes because she thinks her husband will like them more. I thought this exercise was supposed to get to know what your spouses desires are. Just because your husbands notes don’t say he wants to go for a walk, doesn’t mean he wont to it. He will, because its on your note and he will do it for you, he will probably actually enjoy it. But that doesn’t mean that he has to put those things on his notes.
And whats with only pulling the blue notes every other week. No wonder hubby’s notes all say he wants more intimacy in the bedroom. Maria, stop trying to skew the game and control the outcome, the game is awesome, let it be what it is, I think you will both benefit much more from it being real. That’s what I think anyways.
Andrew,
Thanks for the comments. I can see where you are coming from. For me, I mentally went through the exercise, and the big surprise was actually thinking about what it is that I want. And then having to write it down. Each of us will take away something different, I am sure.
Ooh I LOVE this idea! Going off to put ideas in jars now.
Honestly Sarah, that would be my challenge also, what do I want? lol
Surely there would always be some blue notes, and probably massages daily (lol, I’m spoiled), but also other cool stuff that would be non-bedroom related as well.
Andrew- I get what you mean. But, you need to see how it’s like in their shoes. They have a 2 year old.
What a creative idea. Men always communicate differently and sometimes uniquely.
“I am actually a little put off by Maria putting things on her notes because she thinks her husband will like them more. ”
I agree with Andrew here – I mean, it’s up to them how they run their relationship, but ideally this could be a good/fun way over opening up communication of what you want from the relationship. So you need to make it honest about what you want, not what the other person wants to hear.
That said:
The husband, merely by having most of his initial desires being bedroom based, is indicating that he’s wanting that. By her adding some bedroom based desires (as long as they’re things she does want), it’s a way of responding to him – showing that she is also recognising its an area that needs maintaining.
Simply showing the willingness and interest in that area can be enough to show love.
At first, I read and agreed with Andrew’s comment, “I am actually a little put off by Maria putting things on her notes because she thinks her husband will like them more.”
Then, Aussie Locust added her bit about showing the willingness and response – and I had to agree there, too.
Perhaps we take that train of thought a bit further and ask this question: is it possible that the mere insight into someone else’s desires can cause your desires to evolve over time? After all, isn’t that the relationship ideal? To take two seemingly disparate people, thought, ideas – and to find (and love!) the common ground?
It’s possible that what Maria was doing by adding more “bedroom” notes in her mix was learning to love – and nurture – the common ground. It would be one thing if she hated the bedroom stuff and was putting it in anyway… but I’m inclined to think she rather liked it
Sometimes the very best things in life are the ones that hold true to a value or standard (in this case the commitment and desire to learn what makes the other person happy), but have the flexibility to change or evolve as needed (like adding the different colored sticky notes).
Whether you use different colored stickies or not, what fun and incredible idea, this Jar of Desires!
Sarah, thank you for sharing!
Ana D.,
I like the way you put all this together. It revolves around. I think people will find what works for them. I like Maria’s Eureka moment a lot and how she will be forever changed because of it. She will look more closely at her husband’s needs, and hopefully, he will do the same.
Awesome, love the idea.
You need to come and guest post for us…we think you are great
Lizzy, thanks so much. I’m so glad you stopped by. Love your site as well – it makes ours look tame.